TO:
Senator Sam Brownback
June
8, 2006
Dear Sam,
We at Wheelhouse Magazine applaud you. Your speech on the Senate floor regarding the defense of marriage was truly inspiring for its verve, its blind dedication, and its wonderfully colored power-point presentation. Where did you get the graphics? What program did your unpaid interns use? We'd love to know, because our design is lacking.
We also applaud you for being willing to stand up on the issue of marriage and say (as speech writers, we paraphrase): "No, we're not sponsoring the DEFENSE of Marriage Act, we're sponsoring an OFFENSE of Marriage Act." Kudos. Because this is precisely your method of staying in office: OFFENSE!!! This kind of lunacy comes around about as often as a complete solar eclipse. Bravo.
We're wondering a couple of things, though, and if you, or your unpaid interns could clarify these to us, it would be of great help in cheering on your charge in this very, very, very, very, very important issue. 1) Many of our editors are married. Most of us cheat on our spouses. Our gay "friends" keep telling us that this is a lack of regard for our partners. Do you think the Defense of Marriage Act will keep the faggots off our backs? 2) Wouldn't it be better just to "get rid" of the gay issue altogether? Why not just take away their healthcare? That's what we would do. It would certainly be a population control. And, finally, 3) One of our editors thinks you're really cute. He's not planning on ruining a marriage over it or anything, but could you tell Gary that he just needs to relax and find someone his own age?
Sincerely,
The
Editors at Wheelhouse Magazine