To: Peter Olson, CEO, Random House
From: Bert Fields, Esq.
Re: Opportunity of a Lifetime
As you well know, after a decade of corporate servitude, my client finds herself a free agent. Whatever else might be said of her, she departs as the single most profitable publisher in the history of her former employer. But the question for Judy is (always has been) What Next?
It would be easy enough for her to leave publishing. But she cares too deeply about books – about literature, Peter – to abandon a sinking ship. Rather than issuing a half-baked mea culpa and taking a seven-figure deal from Sony, she is laying plans for a revolutionary new imprint, one that will resurrect the genre she calls “hypothetical non-fiction.” As you consider the following titles, please note: a single copy of the manuscript that caused this recent unpleasantness is selling for upward of $10,000 on E-Bay. The truth, thank God, still sells.
If I Shot JFK, Here’s How I Did It
By Fidel Castro
The deathbed confessional by the world’s last surviving Communist tyrant! The shocking “real” story behind America’s most famous unsolved murder. Fidel reveals all the secrets the Warren Commission didn’t want you to know. A special appendix includes the author’s one-of-a-kind assassination scrapbook!
If I Used Steroids, Here’s How I Did It
By Barry Bonds
Baseball’s reigning home run king “spills the beans” about his oft-alleged drug habit in this searing speculate-all. The superstar left fielder recounts, for the first time, how he might have been led down the path of anabolic iniquity by racist trainers bent on bringing down a successful African-American. Among the juicy scenes: a three-way glutial injection party with Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.
If I Touched Those Little Boys, Here’s How I Did It
By Michael Jackson
After years of poorly-scripted denial, The King of Pop scores another number one hit with this heartbreaking account of possible man/boy love. Working with Judy himself, the one-time child hit machine describes encounters with 37 different Pretty Young Things in his lavish Neverland home, and discloses what he might have done to them if he were, in fact, a pedophile. The details are at once tender and nauseating.
If I Stole the 2000 Presidential Election, Here’s How I Did It
By Karl Rove
If James Baker was the public face of this epic electoral heist, the man issuing the orders was you-know-who. Here, for the first time, he discusses the covert campaign of deception and bullying he would have waged against a callow national media and corruptible state political apparatus, to keep the courts from ordering the legally required full recount of Florida. Score one for the Turd Blossom in this thrilling political whomightadunit!
If I Got Impregnated by God, Here’s How I Did It
By the Virgin Mary
Everybody knows how hot religion is at the moment, and what could be hotter than having sex with the Lord Almighty Himself? In this account, ghost-written by a panel of theological and sexual experts, the Virgin Mary dishes the dirt on the lover she was forced to call Big Papi. Among the sizzling questions sure to be answered: Is God really that well-endowed? Did He bring his young lover to the so-called promised land? Were false promises made to His naïve young baby mama?
If I Masterminded the Global Jihad Against the Western Imperialist Devils, Here’s How I Did It
By Osama Bin Laden
The man we love to hate finally “comes clean” with a passionate and detailed description of how Al Qaeda might ply its celebrated campaign of terror. In this riveting “speculative memoir,” we follow to his rise from a lonely rich boy mocked for his large nose to an ambitious religious fanatic who becomes world’s leading incarnation of evil. (Note: Bin Laden is not under contract yet, but we have some traction, having recently signed his niece to star in a reality series.)
The potential in growth markets is unlimited here, from children’s literature (e.g. If I Finally Seduced Ken, Here’s How I Did It by Barbie) to celebrity memoirs (e.g. If I Stopped Throwing Up on Myself in Public, Here’s How I Did It by Britney Spears). Judy has even dangled the possibility of writing her own story (If I Debased American Letters to Feed My Own Insatiable Ego, Here’s How I Did It).
No promises on that, but it’s in play.
We’ll wait to hear back from you – though not for long.
All best,
Bert